Full review of the feature screenplay "The Family Way", written by Shiva Rodriguez and D. Duckie Rodriguez.
This script report was done by a reader at HORROR Underground Film & Screenplay Festival in August 2020.
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TITLE: The Family Way
PAGES: 116
SYNOPSIS
In the horror feature, The Family Way, two couples, Vivian and her
husband Tony and Vivian’s brother, Greg, and his girlfriend, Jessica,
travel on a road trip to Nevada. They make a pit stop at a lone gas
station but the owner, Richard, tells them the gas line is broken and it
will take a day to get the parts. He invites the group to stay at his
family’s home for the night. Meanwhile, on the radio a reporter
announces another female body has been found and the police believe it
is related to at least six recent murders. At the house, Richard
introduces the couples to his wife, Sue, her brother, Crawford, and
their sons, Jeffery, and Marty. After dinner Richard offers the men
brandy down in his basement. Jessica and Vivian hate each other and pick
fight after fight. Crawford takes a liking to Vivian who is always
drawing in her sketch book. Later, Richard attacks Tony and Greg and
locks them in a cell in the basement. Jessica is attacked and tied up in
the bathtub. Marty later rapes her. Crawford shows Vivian his morbid
and grotesque cadaver art. She is intrigued and not disgusted. In order
to stay alive and live with the group a person must kill someone they
love. Richard says Vivian needs to kill Greg. No one believes she will
do it. Crawford has brought back many women, but Vivian is different.
Eventually Vivian kills Greg. The group work together to nurture Vivian
back to health after some injuries she suffered during Greg’s attack.
The family lives on.
STORY:
The concept of this horror feature is fresh and original, and the
story includes a compelling cast of characters whose lives intertwine
when two couples encounter a strange, murderous family after their car
runs out of gas on a long-distance road trip. You have imagined a
creative story with a unique cast of characters. Now it’s time to zero
in on a few issues to make your script even better.
STRUCTURE AND PLOT DEVELOPMENT.
You are a creative writer with a genuine talent for writing a horror
feature. Act I grabs interest when the radio news reporter announces
another body has been found and they believe it is related to the last
six murders in town. There are several good elements here that make up a
fulfilling script. The setting is original, and you bring to life
details that are unique and visually engaging. There is an exciting flow
to the story and the quick pace keeps us turning the pages. I had to
shut my eyes a few times during the script before continuing on. The
plot and subplots are entertaining and are easy to follow. The
characters are genuine and there is a unique relationship between
Crawford and Vivian that sends chills. We feel eager to see how their
relationship will develop. Richard is an evil predator who adds mystery
and intrigue to the story. There is plenty of conflict and compelling
obstacles throughout the script and you certainly know how to hook a
reader and keep the momentum going!
Wrapping it up the conclusion doesn’t have to have a happy
ending however you want your audience to feel satisfied. Think of it as
payback for the time they invested. The story comes full circle after
Vivian passes the Cultry Family’s test and she is welcomed with open
arms. Too bad no one else in her group survived. She and Crawford
obviously like it that way. Good job here.
FORMAT:
Proper formatting makes a good impression. A properly formatted
script not only looks professional and shows serious dedication, but it
keeps readers focused on the story and not distracted by other
formatting problems. There are a few issues here that need some
modifications, but they can easily be fixed. The characters and the
initial setting are properly introduced but try adding the name of town
or city where the action takes place and the year it is to your first
slug line. This will give a reader some good information. Next, review
page one where the radio announcer says, “…the shoeprint suggests the
perpetrator is a man in his teens or early twenties.” Think of changing
“man” to “male” here. A “man” suggests the perpetrator is older that a
teen, etc.
Wow! You are a creative writer and you are aware of what an
attractive page of script looks like, not too much dialogue, not too
much description. Just right. The script however is overly long at 116
pages. Try reducing the pages to 90-95 pages instead. This will help
tighten up your story. Remember everything needs to be as brief and
concise as possible. Another good tip is to read other screenplays that
are similar to your genre. Remember that writing a screenplay is all
about revealing story through visuals. Approach each scene from this
angle: what do I want to show the audience with these characters’ words
and/or actions? Finally, always remember to double check spelling,
grammar, and typos. Your goal is to make your script as easy to read as
possible so readers can naturally follow your story.
CHARACTERIZATION:
Think about any story you’ve ever told. Chances are, you began by
telling us who it was about. Everything else comes second. The same is
true of a great screenplay. We need the who before we care about the
why. The trick is to capture your reader’s attention from the moment
your character shows up. Your first instinct might be to just tell us
who someone is. If we are reading your script, we want you to show, not
tell. We want discovery rather than exposition. And the core of your
description has to be visual. For example, if your protagonist is
struggling with addiction, don’t just tell us they’re an addict.
Describe the shake in their hands or voice. Most importantly don’t tell
us they’re good at what they do. Put them in a difficult situation as
quickly as possible, and then have them solve it in their own unique
way. Your script is a fantastic example of all these characteristics.
Richard and his grotesque and vicious family are quite unique
and are a bunch of weirdos. But they seem to make it work. Crawford
and Vivian change the most by the end of the script. Vivian has become a
murderer and Crawford, already a murderer, finds out what love feels
like. What a great twist. Both of them being artists is a nice common
interest, but the kind of art is what makes them so unique. (and sick).
You have a genuine talent for writing unique characters with
different personality traits and we are drawn to your characters
visually and emotionally. Fantastic job! The cast is where your story
shines. There are so many interesting directions your story can go, but
relationships are what drives a story. Whatever plot there is, whatever
outside influences there are, it is really all about who these people
are and what they’re going to bring to each other.
DIALOGUE:
The dialogue is realistic in the world you have created, and the
characters listen to each other and respond accordingly. There is
distinction in the characters voices and a good example of this is when
on page 18,
Richard says, “I’ll go ahead and shut down here if you fellers want to put your bags in my truck over there.”
Then a few of my favorite lines include when Vivian speaks to Greg about marrying Jessica on page 9:
“You sure you really want to do this, Greg? I mean you really don’t have to marry that dingbat.”
And on page 14,
Greg says, “You want anything? Potato chips? Soda?”
Vivian says, “Ear plugs.”
Good job here!
OVERALL:
Overall, you are off to an entertaining first draft! You are a
talented and creative writer with a genuine talent for writing suspense
and excitement. There is plenty of conflict and compelling obstacles.
The plot and subplots make sense and are easy to follow. You know how to
hook a reader and keep that momentum flowing. The characters are
realistic and genuine, and we are not confused by too many of them. A
good tip is to read your scenes out loud with a friend and cut out
anything that drags too much or is complicated and confusing. Trim down
everything even further. Be simple and concise. For a horror genre you
have kept the momentum going, included a few chuckles, and scared the
wits out of this reader! You still have a little tightening up to do,
but that’s the fun part. I enjoyed reading your script and look forward
to seeing how things turn out for you. You have plenty of potential, so
keep working…don’t give up!
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